numb

He did it again. He's gone and done it. I thought he was just being fatalistic, I thought he was just arguing for the sake of it. That's what we do. I wish I had known. I wish I had done something. Jesus Christ, chivalry a mile wide and brains more than my own, I sometimes think. Funny. Creative. Great conversationalist. Why why why can't he just get over his rebel fantasy? It's not heroic if you have no cause, sparky.

He's being tried as an adult, apparently. God damn he's got a lot to answer for. I wish I could talk to him, but even if he'd answer the phone I don't know what I'd say. I just want him to say he knows what he's gotten himself into, that he has some horribly convoluted explanation to account for what he's done and how he thinks. That is, of course, not how it'd be. And wishing is shit.

So I love you kid, and I mean that in more ways than I think I know, and I know you'd ever know. I wanted to tell you, but you let me down. It was a good last hug... but you knew what kind it was, didn't you? Oh why didn't you tell me.