It seems now everything's falling apart.

Best friend? Given up. Both sides, maybe.

Possibility of romance? Stranded. I wish it didn't hurt so bad to dream.

Being sociable? I'm too much of a downer. I'll bring everybody down.

Being creative? If it don't work, bleed on it! I have no blood left right now....

I don't know, guys, I really don't know anymore. I try and I try, and I don't expect anything out of anyone else (because in theory I can only be pleasantly surprised) and I don't hope for much (because in theory I can't be disappointed), but I find myself getting affected anyway. Goddamn it, if the bitching would just stop I could handle this so much better. I don't do anything majorly wrong, but all I hear is WHEN YOU'RE OLDER (wtf 18!), BAD INFLUENCE!, ATTITUDE!, RUDENESS!, DO YOU DO THAT TO YOUR FRIENDS AT SCHOOL?!, YOU NEVER X!, YOU ALWAYS Y!, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!, YOU DON'T CARE!. Bullshit, you have no idea! And once in a violet moon (blue moons are FAR to common for this) when I get the nod of approval, it's always with so many modifiers and conditioners and self-congratulatory blowharditude that it's more a "congrats, you didn't suck for once, and I I I noticed that and was a part of bringing you to it!" (<-- though if I suck you aren't responsible or only know me for the lulz) than a "hey, great, I'm proud of you". Whatever, fine, I don't need anyone's praise I guess, but at the same time I really don't need anyone's bitching either. I see what JS said when he argued in favor of child neglect (the asshole)-- he said he just wanted people to leave him the fuck alone. I'm not angry. I'm not. I'm not. I'm just physically, mentally, emotionally tired. I don't know what to do. Y'all don't know what to do WITH me, so please just let me sleep and poke around tentatively to see what I can do. I know I'm going to fuck up; you've drilled that into my head pretty thoroughly. I'd just appreciate you not jumping all over my ass before, during, and after it happens. I'm trying.

And I want You to decide whether you're going to be a good boy or not. Please, I want to believe you are. I want you to be, so badly. You have no idea. Please. Please be good. Don't make me cry anymore.