Good day

I had an incredible day today. Let me start at the beginning.

Thursday, I made my trek to my old high school to take part once again in Write Club, this time as a "super veteran". In the hall on the way to the classroom I saw J, waved to him and called his name. He spun around and joined me, obviously rather surprised. He didn't talk to me much during write club, though he was notably very civil and almost quiet. R even said to me that he was nice to her. Zow. At the end of WC he took me aside, thanked me for coming, told me it was nice to see me again, hugged me, and then left. (Hugged is important; this was the second time ever that he touched me friendly-like after a year and a half of very obvious not touching. The other time was a hug on the last day I was a highschooler.)

Friday I was back for Latin caroling. Due to a fortuitous twist of fate, I was walking down the front hallway at the same time he was in the cafeteria (it has a glass-paned wall facing that hallway). I knocked on the wall and waved; he gave me the nod, meaning for me to wait up with him. He got a pass from his study teacher and asked me where I was going. I told him I was outta there. He said, "you're leaving my way, right?" So I said, "oh, of course". "His way" happened to be up the stairs and to the other side of the building. He told me he was going to Tedeschi's up the hill to grab a Slim-Jim and a soda (lunch), and then asked for my number. I gave it to him, then gave him the coke I had recently aquired from someone else for no particular reason. We went down the stairs and parted ways-- after a farewell hug during which I told him I had missed him (he seemed befuddled), and he told me that he'd call me as soon as he had nothing to do, which would probably be soon.

He calls that night at 8:44, appologizing because it was "late" (ha), asking if I was doing anything tomorrow. Unfortunately, yes, was my reply; I told him I'd have the car and the time on Sunday, though, if he was still free. He said yeah, and that he wanted to talk, but that he was "engulfed in dispair" because his neighbor's dog died [long backstory] and he just found out, so he wasn't really in the mood to talk at the moment. I said ok, hung up, and continued. That night I talk to G about him and I, hoping that he could help me out in that regard. G eventually admitted to liking me himself, and I felt like a jackass. Events transpired and we decided to hang out on Saturday.

Saturday comes and I go Christmas shopping with my dad and brothers 'til somewhat after noon. I call G at 2:23 (I think), and he gets to my house like twenty minutes later. It's not awkward. We go to Panera and he gets food, telling me (kinda strangely) that he called J and his little brother Jm to see if they would come, but they weren't home. I was embarrased, and he laughed. We then cruised the mall, then went to pick up A at work. Along the way we headed to J and Jm's house; G told me that if J was coming, he was going to tell Jm to take shotgun so "the lovebirds" could sit together in the back. And he was serious. I told him that I both loved him and hated him. As it turns out, J didn't come. I hung out with G and Jm as we picked up A, then I was dropped off.

On Sunday J calls around noonish (later he admitted that was pretty much right when he woke up). I was busy, though, and asked if I could get back to him in an hour. When I did, we talked awkwardly for a while before me just saying that I was coming to his place and we'd figure out something eventually. So I did. We wound up tooling around for a long time before deciding to bite the bullet and go to the mall. We wandered around just as aimlessly (still maintaining good conversation); he was teasing me about being "dispassionate" and "indecisive", so I decided that we walk around outside. We bicker about the coldness and relative lameness of my "plan", though J is cruizing rather quickly down the walk despite everything. At one point I ask him jokingly if he's trying to run me into the shrubs on the inside of the path or if that's kind of just happening, so he looks at me funny, smiles, then purposefully tries to run me off the path. I laugh, then kind of push back, reminding him that if he knocks me off, I'll just hit a shrub and look stupid, whereas if I push him off, he'll hit a car and look creamed. So he laughed and said, "if you can move me", getting into the side-defensice stance... of course I could, and he seemed somewhat impressed. (Note that we hadn't done THAT madness since school when we were definately flirting.)

So eventually we leave and go to Taco Bell, because J hadn't eaten anything all day and I felt badly. He wanted me to get something because he said he'd feel awkward eating by himself, but I insisted and he dealt with it. We sat in a double booth inside and talked more (if someone says "I hate you!" jokingly enough times, does that mean anything?) before he decided to get an apple thing and convinced me to as well. We left at that point and sat in the van with it off, not really sure of what to do next since time was running out. So, we talked. He asked me about the event with E and I that I had mentioned earlier, and admitted to it being creepy as hell and E being an asshole. He agreed with my analysis, then it was quiet for a minute. Then J said, kind of slowly, "listen, I want to appologize for the last time we hung out. I was really a creep. I shouldn't have done that*". A minute went by wherein I said nothing, then he pointed out that fact. Eventually I replied, "yeah, I was really kind of pissed for like two months, partially because I didn't know what the hell was going on, partially because you wouldn't return my calls and then I heard about the Amanda thing, and... something else that... nevermind". He agreed that he was a dick, and appologised again, saying that he was really surprised I even talked to him on Thursday, because in his mind he doesn't really deserve it; it didn't even make sense to him why I'd be hanging with him, because he was really kind of beyond the pale. I told him I had forgiven him like two months ago (explained later), but that I wanted to thank him for appologizing because I never thought he would have done that. He asked why, and I told him that I was expecting him to ignore it and act like it had never happened. He looked kind of hurt and embarrased and said "yeah, I tried that, but I just couldn't do it. I should have said this sooner". I told him that I still wanted to talk to him because there were a lot of things I liked about him, and that I worried about him, and that I thought that his behavior had been rather out of character; "fool me once, shame on me" (he was embarrased about that). He said I was one of the few friends he had, which means a hell of a lot. (He also gave me a mini-lecture about the whole messed-up concept of "wasted time", and that sticking with someone just because of that even though they were an ass was a bad idea; the good times justified themselves. This was a totally sober and awfully huble arguement on his part for the genuine purpose of having me See The Light and not be his friend. I, of course, would have none of it. He had a noticably teary voice during the whole exchange.) (Amanda hasn't talked to him since she left; J felt badly because M had said some things to her that weren't true, which was especially bad because he had of his own initiative and free will given up drinking and drugs while they were together.)

At that point I had to drive him to the high school, and we were fairly quiet. He called his mother to see when he had to be home, and wound up getting upset-- his breathing reminded me of me during a panic attack. I asked him if he was okay, and of course he said yes. He wound up losing his hat out the window and I swear to god, almost panicked right there. We went back and got it, and he was noticably upset and trying to psyche himself into being fine; he appoligized a couple of times for being clumsy and neurotic during that point. Of course I told him not to worry about it. Of course he told me he would anyway. I brought him down to the school, all the way down Hubbard St., before he got out. So he turned to me, while grabbing his jacket, and said in a tone I couldn't quite name (not exactly friendly, though not at all predatory; I'd almost say soft) "okay, now you're going to get out of the car and hug me." And... we did. It was a long hug, star-armed, and his mouth was near my ear and he rocked us very gently. When we let go, we looked at each other for a moment, smiling, before he turned to go. I called out to him to take care and be good; he told me to do the same. He then took off for the night.

He promised he'd call again.