Deviations

I used to be the perfect little ingénue, never dressing up, never going out, never messing around. Until this summer. At that point, the object of my idiotic affections finally got the hint, and, as he had felt the same for quite a while, we got together for the most horrible three hours of my life. I now know he is, in fact, a giant douchebag just like everyone said he was, but hell if I can't still recall fondly the memories of the good times. Boy #2 was more recent, more critical, and even more retarded, and only goes to prove the point that honestly? I'm the biggest dumbass ever.

But now I'm on the trail, it seems. I've never done that before. #1 was four years in the making, and honestly he was responsible for most of it (the only flattery I can take, it seems, is being persued). #2 was, well... #2, and he's a very special boy. He also did the footwork. Or, rather, the... I don't even know what the proper metaphor would be. Basically there wasn't any footwork. Anyhoo.

My point is: I'm becoming kind of a flirt. I mean, one is entirely out of my leauge in about, oh... every way possible. (Though the annoying part of my brain says "that's what you said about #1 as well, and OMG you were a dumbass".) I know nothing's going to happen there. Another is a sweater* like WOAH, though I'm hoping he'll get out of his shell a little, because he's adorable.  The other though... the other is rather more likely, if only in the sense that I have a greater than zero chance with him, even if it is something like a 0.02. THAT I'm working on.

Years of denying the fact that I have romantic leanings and decades, almost, of being on the very bottom of the list of Desirable People In Any Context have kind of sapped any confidence I could have at least pretended to have. You have no idea how much I'm making shit up as I go along. You have no idea how much I don't believe this is going to work. It took me a year and a half and someone else beating me with a clue-by-four to realize what #1 was up to, and about a day and a half to realize that #2 was being serious ("Would you bang me?", and the like, are apparently not hypothetical questions sometimes), so by this point I'm not really sure whether I'm as bleh as I think I am, or whether I'm just incredibly dense. Maybe it's the latter. It'd be nice to know, though.


*sweater: (n) the kind of person you love to a massive extent (including bouts of the warm an' fuzzies) without ever desiring romantic or sexual relations with, though innocent cuddling is entirely allowed (and appreciated). Derives from the idea that the person is someone you would want to have sit in your lap as you knit them a sweater.