So hey guys.

Whussup. Or something. Y'know, it's times like these I'm glad that no one really reads my blog. I mean, if I'm going to baww over myself or life or somesuch dogshit, I really ought to get a journal, but honestly? There's this gross part of me that kind of wants someone to skim across this innanity and have a word or something. I know that's horrible and I really ought to grow up, but hey. A girl can dream, can't she?

And anyway, I've just been feeling awfully out of sorts lately. Like, dumb. I don't know, I just can't think straight or do anything right; I'm half crazy, I'm sure of it. I also pointedly don't eat lately, and I'm slightly worried that I'm headed on the road to some half-ass anorexia which would be six shades of dumb. Not that it wouldn't be appreciated. Hurr, yeah, that was a retarded stab at myself for my weight. Is that ridiculous? Yeah, probably. Do I care? Depends on what you mean; I mean, yes, I really think that and it's a problem for me, but no, I don't care what you have to say to counter it. Even if it's just a well-deserved "shut up", because, hell, I know that. That's why I don't talk IRL, kids, because at least on the internet you can just roll your eyes, call me a fag, and then click that little red button on the upper right-hand corner of your browser and make it be all gone. And I mean, I'd be sad that you did that. I have this massive fear about not being taken seriously, and dear GOD if you can take me seriously after all this bullshit, you're crazy. So don't worry about it.

On from there. I dunno, I think I have problems. I just remembered yesterday that I wanted to be a boy-- legitimately wanted to be a boy-- until I was like 11, at which point I told myself to shut the fuck up and deal with it. I still hate being a girl. Well. Thinking like a girl; all the emotional/physical/needy bullshit that I apparently associate with feminity freaks me the fuck out and rather disgusts me when I notice it in myself. Self: stop it. Suck it up and deal for once in your life. And I basically am a guy, anyway, or at least a third guy. All my friends are, or at least they're all guys that are at least a quarter girl, which is okay by me. It sucks a little though, because I'm so much "one of the guys" in many cases that even I forget I'm a girl, and then I realize that honestly? I really want to just (dareIsayitdeargod) snuggle or something, and the guys are all ew, that's kinda gay. And I'm like, well actually, I'm a girl, so not really. But it doesn't matter, because in principle it feels pretty much the same.

And I don't want to be a girl; I just want sometimes some people to see me as one. Yes, I may be insinuating the fact that I am so fucking depressed that I've never been not single, really. I mean, I'm smart enough, I guess. Actually, that puts people off, though it's not likely that I'm going to stop it. I know I'm not all that easy on the eyes, and I don't fucking care, although I do, which pisses me off. I was told before though that I'm a bit of the "sexy librarian" type, to which I say "ew". I mean, I don't know. I'm not particularly grossed out by the idea of it so much as being labeled. I sound like a fetish. I never want to be "cute", because it's impossible (at least to me) to treat "cute" people with anything more than kid gloves. I don't really mean "cute" as an appearance thing in this case; I mean "cute" as in "fills me with both great warmth and slight melancholy (at my own sake) at their wide-eyed love and appreciation of life". I dunno, I'm a little too worldly-wise for that; I know I can be very naive, but 99% of the time that's just my goddam romanticism talking. I know better than that.

So I don't know where that leaves me; I feel like I should be closing soon because no one gives a shit anyways, and I really don't know why I'm emoing up the internet even more than it already is. Starving child soldiers in Africa and Equus hasn't touched a single human being since she was five. Oh woe is she.

So I miss you, guys, and I love you world. I just sometimes can't feel the love come back.