September 19, 2007

What have I become,
My dearest friend?
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end....

So. It's Wednesday. I'm at my laptop blogging on MySpace, sipping hot chocolate, wondering if my
Granny Smith will taste disgusting after that, and listening to Johnny Cash say it like it is.

Between classes yet again. Between physical pain and the anticipation thereof. Between caring too much and just giving up.

And you could have it all:
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down.
I will make you hurt.

As god made little green apples, the little green apples the kin of which I now maim as we speak,

Well, you're my friend.
And can you see?
Many times we've been out drinking.
Many times we've shared our thoughts.
Did you ever? Did you ever notice
The kind of thoughts I got?

Well, you know I have a love, a love for everyone I know.
And you know I have a drive, to live I won't let go.
But can you see its opposition, comes rising up sometimes?
That it's dreadful imposition comes blacking in my mind?

And then I see a darkness.
And then I see a darkness.
And then I see a darkness.
And then I see a darkness.
Do you know how much I love you?
Here's a hope that somehow you can save me
From this darkness.

I don't know what I'm doing. Is this poetry or prose? My muse runs away from me, and I have to chase her where she hides. My mind is not my own. The animal and the muse are my only companions.

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired, so much more aware.
I'm becoming less;
All I want to do
Is be more like me, and less like you.

What more do I have to do? I've tried as hard as I could. I still do. I still do.

I still do.

Why isn't it working? I want

so

badly.

Just let me sleep. Just let me sleep forever if I can't go through with this. I can't take it anymore. I can't take this weight, I can't take these hopes, I can't take these regrets, I can't take this broken self and make it whole.

You can't either. But

I

want.

I want.